sigh. i need some help. i think i lost my fire. i am so confused right now. a couple of entries ago, i said don't let the world get you down. i think i let the world get me down...

i don't understand anything around me, i'll be real about that one. i don't see how we're expected to function in this corrupt world, where everyone seems to be out to get you, trying to tempt you and put out your fire. i don't know what i'm so messed up about...i'm so confused right now.

who we are is what is least important. why are we living in this world? when we are filled with the Holy Spirit, it is no longer us who are important - it is God working through us. what is the significance of who we make ourselves mean? i can get my perfect 4.0 GPA's and scholarships and cum laudes, but without that meaning in life, i'm still dead and my accomplishments are instantely irrelevant. it's not gonna be important how fast i can run a 2-mile, not important what everyone thinks of me or what i look like, not important what college i end up going to or how good i am in the application process. no one could care less. in fact, to get to where i need to be, who i am right now is ultimately irrelevant to where i'm going to be.

i know how insignificant it is to build up riches in our current lives. all of that stuff will eventually rot away along with everything else not eternal. why do i suddenly feel the uncertain urge to become part of the world again? perhaps it is my more than unnecessary contact with this world. i mean, all of this temptation all around us is just screaming at me to give in...ATF surveyed or observed christians and non-christians when it came to sex and drugs and all of that stuff. they essentially found there was no distinction. how can these so-called christians allow themselves to be so sucked into this world? can they not see what is going on?

i've lost a lot of friends this year. the so-called christians are falling out and into the war-mines of this world. almost every sophomore goes out to get drunk, to have sex, to do drugs. i'm not sure whether i hear normal words or cuss words more in a single day, simply because everyone's walking around trying to be cool. does no one see the temporari-ness of this life?

i need some reality shock. this world has been working on me since ISAS, and it has finally cracked me. i need to do something...take a stand. where is my escape? youth group can get me excited and going, but it too is occasionally corrupt or broken. seriously, where is my escape? i know it to be God. there are those times when God is so very real to me, and i know Him to be at work right now wherever i want to look. but i can't turn to Him. i don't even know why this entry is being written. i'm so confused...my theme for the week was to pretty much love God for always, simply because of how awesome and worthy He is. i have failed once again.

Even when the darkness flows in, still i will say, Blessed be Your Name...

let me get the fire back, give me the solutions and answers to this world. give me understanding, wisdom to deal with the threats that are attacking.